The Taking of a Name.

When your child dies, especially at birth, their name takes on a special meaning. Their name becomes the part of them that gets to live on in the world.   You speak it to each other at night when the grief comes, you write it everywhere, you turn it into art, you get it tattooed onto your skin, your friends write it everywhere and send you photos of it.  It becomes imbued with the sacred.
                                                      Jack  JACKSON   J

Memorial Art.  Beach pebbles.

 To see it, to hear it: it gladdens, it saddens.  It always triggers strong emotions- sometimes post traumatic stress symptoms. If you have lost a child you know what I mean, if you haven't, then you possibly can't, or can't possibly..and I'd never want anyone to have to know what it means.

I'm telling the world: I'm not OK with family naming their child Jackson.
Too soon, too insensitive- especially since I was told with a post birth phone call consisting of ;
                      "Hey we've named him Jackson, hope that's OK with you.."
Um.. no it's not OK, but it's a bit late for that really isn't it?
 I was polite; I said sure; I said I'm so happy for you.  After all, I am really happy that their baby was born safely.  I wanted to celebrate with them, not rain on one of the happiest days of their lives.

Still, this naming; It's not OK- it's just insensitive.

I wish I could not feel the hurt that I do, I wish that I could just be fine with this.  But I'm not; I'm hurt and I feel like something has been taken from my little boy. On a more tangible or rational level, our feelings have been completely disregarded and we feel deeply disrespected.  (We did manage after the initial phone call to communicate, very politely, that we were uncomfortable with the naming).

 I've been thrown into the rawness of the initial grief, like I've lost him all over again.

Their name takes on a significance, wherever you see it.

They weren't naming their child 'in honour' of mine.  They just liked the name.  Well I'm sure they had other names they liked, that wouldn't cause the hurt using our dead son's name does.  Choose one of them.
Did they have this name picked out for years?  I don't know, does it matter?  My son was born first, so too bad, that name gets struck off the list.  I've struck a few off my 'baby names list' as they were snatched up by other family.

Really it's just very poor etiquette.  Isn't there a rule somewhere?  "Thou shall not name your baby after a still-born family member from the same generation, especially without seeking their parent's blessings first".  I've read that it's bad etiquette to take the name of a deceased family member if it will hurt their closest living family.  Hey, that would be me, and yes my partner and I are seriously HURT.

As the grandmother of my baby said  "How am I supposed to greet and hold this baby and call him Jackson?!".  It is a trigger for many.  Surely, when other family members hear that name they think of my darling little boy?  Will that wear off eventually so that the Jackson in the family becomes THEIR Jackson instead of MY Jackson??   My Jackson won't be around to charm people with his first words or his sweet curly hair, his stumbly first steps; all the achievements of  life that their Jackson gets to experience and be remembered for.  All my boy has to be remembered by is his name.

 Following the appropriate etiquette, unwritten though it is (because surely it's just plain common sense) would have saved a lot of pain now and in the future.

Indigenous cultures do not speak the name of the dead.  Let's go with that shall we?  If you can't speak the name of the dead, you certainly can't go using the same name as one of their dead cousins, born only 18 months earlier, when the grief is still quite raw for the parents and other immediate family members.  And hell, if you ARE going to be OK with being that insensitive, then you should be OK with copping a bit of backlash.
 

Written by a friend in Broome.

 I know I have every right to my own feelings.  I know that I can't ask them to change their name choice.  (although the activist in me wants to start a campaign to change things, unreasonableness be damned).
 I do wish it had been handled differently.  Approaching me before hand to guage my feelings on their choice may have either softened the blow for me, or -best case scenario- they would have realised the hurt and ongoing trigger their choice would create, and taking this into account choose differently.  Or was it a case for them of  'If you don't ask they can't say no..'?

 Whatever their reasons, explaining earlier would have helped not only myself and my partner understand, but would have saved the uncomfortable feelings and sense of shock now rippling through the entire extended family.
Our feelings of hurt are not what has created conflict, my partner and I have not created this situation.
What I've been left to deal with is not what life has thrown at me- what life threw at me, and what I've dealt with quite gracefully, is the death of my son.   This thing that I have to cope with now, is just what two people have decided to do, regardless of the hurt that they knew it would cause.

This is Jackson.  He's my first and only born.  I know that by others taking his name, that it can't take away from the 9 months that I grew him and knew him, it can't take away the 30 hours I had with him in my arms.        
But it still hurts. I still feel a sense of loss, of a taking away of the specialness, the singularity, the sacredness and the respect for my son, Jackson.

Jackson

                                                 Jackson's  Name in the sand by CarlyMarie